Just like the world of women's clothing, there really is no "one size fits all" or even "one size fits most." So, be patient with yourself during your process of discovering which activities most naturally work for you, and what mental attitude brings you the best results. I gently advise you to stay clear of the people who insist their way works for everyone, or who want you to buy expensive equipment or unproven nutriceuticals to manage stress.

       Often, it is not which activity we choose, that makes it a source of peace or stress. Rather, it is how we, our playmates or instructors approach the activity that determines whether it helps us or hurts us. Something I see as stressful, you may find relaxing and inspiring, so consider your Myers Briggs type when selecting relaxation techniques. Also, some people do best by relaxing mentally before they relax physically; others need to relax physically before their minds can relax. Most importantly, remember there are many right ways!

       Honor your complexity, and recognize that not every technique that works for you, will work for you each and every day. Some days a long soak in a hot tub filled with bubble bath works best for me. Other days, I go for a walk in the woods, play computer solitaire, spend the day creating new graphics for my web site, or listen to alpha wave music or guided imagery CDs. On my most stressful days, I usually have to talk the ear off a good friend before I'm able to even consider going to the next step of a hot shower or bath. I'm sure you'll find more than one way to relax, too.

       There have been many times in my life I've run for an hour almost every workday morning as a form of stress management. However, there have been just as many periods of time when I've tried to and it's been stressful rather than relaxing. Why was it relaxing sometimes, and stressful other times? The times it was relaxing, I lived in beautiful, safe and scenic places, where I could either run along the shore of the water, on wooded bike trails, or with a group of caring, supportive friends who ended the run at a local coffee shop or restaurant. The times it stressed me, I lived on busy streets or in not-so-safe parts of town, or the local running group was very performance/competition oriented, so I had no like-minded friends with whom to just play.

       Yoga is another example. I am not naturally wired to have a good sense of how high I'm holding my leg, or whether or not my back is flat versus bowed. It takes me a long learning curve to gain this body awareness. And, frankly, I'm just not all that concerned if I get the precise details right, especially in the beginning. Sadly, I have yet to find a yoga instructor in any part of the country (I've lived in 7 different states), who is willing and capable of letting me get the general hang of things first, relaxing into the music and my breathing, and waiting until some future week to teach me the next steps of refining the accuracy of my actual positions and postures. Each instructor has walked over to me shortly into the first pose on the first session, scolding me ( some not so gently, shaming me in front of the whole class with, "No, no no! That's all wrong!" ) Where's the joy in that?! Ironically, each and every instructor assured me, before I rolled out a mat, that they would honor my request and not correct any "mistakes" they might see me making, and some even assured me there was no "wrong" way to do yoga.

       My point? Finding the right class or instructor is just as important as finding the right activity. Some types of activities attract instructors who are perfectionistic, or who cannot accept differences or modifications in the way they teach their activity. Bless them silently, but keep looking for someone who is a good fit for you, or try a different activity.

       A third aspect to consider is approach or attitude. There are several common attitudinal obstacles that people encounter. For instance, if you choose arts and crafts as your way to relax, a need for perfection and doing it "right" or "perfectly" may interfer with it being a good source of relaxation for you. A competitive drive (with self or others), or a need to achieve measurable improvement, also may convert something from fun to stress, such as running, weight lifting, and other sports. If it really bothers you to not be able to figure out that last blank space on the crossword, the relaxation you experienced in the first 20 minutes of doing the puzzle may be completely undone at the end, if you just can't figure out that last word. So, look for things to do where the outcome won't undo the process that brings you joy.

       You may want to start by reading the specifics I have on how personality type may affect your fitness style and stress management style. Also consider if you're creating your own stress by how you think about life (see The Fall). If you feel like you've tried everything, you may have underlying issues that a counselor can help you through.

(1)  Traditional Meditation (see background)

(2)  Moving Meditation, such as tai chi, the martial arts, or yoga

(3)  Cognitive Restructuring (see Resiliency)

(4)  Guided and Unguided Meditations ( see background)

(5)  Hypnosis and self-hypnosis

(6)  Bodywork, such as Swedish massage

(7)  Journaling, and other writing techniques (see The Write Way)

(8)  Arts & Crafts Activities (see Ice Cream for the Soul)

(9)  Mental Activities (reading, crosswords, word search, computer games)

(10)  Physical Activities (swimming, jogging, bubble baths, cycling, self service sex)